POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Wheelchair

LIFE

© Copyright 2008-2010 - Wheelchair Life, Inc.

The importance of a positive attitude – and its corresponding results – cannot be overstated. This section is first because taking control of your attitude is the most important thing you can do. Attitude is only thing over which we have total control.  We can choose to have a negative attitude or we can choose to have a positive attitude. We can choose to look at the bright side, or we can choose to look at negatives.

Bad things happen to everyone.  And good things happen to everyone.  Sometimes the things that happen in our lives (good and bad) are the result of what we do.  Sometimes they result from the actions of others. How we deal with what happens to us depends on our attitude. For example, if you are in a wheelchair as a result of somebody else's actions or inactions, you could choose to be angry and bitter toward that person for the rest of your LIFE. But what good will that do you?

Of course, if a drunk driver hit you and caused you to be paralyzed, your first, normal reaction is anger. If it wasn't, I'd be worried about you (I'm sure that mental health professionals would be worried as well). But, once the normal, natural emotion occurs, you have a choice – in your own mind, no one else’s – whether to let it go, or to hold onto it and let it consume you. Sometimes people become familiar with their anger, worry, sadness, depression, pain, or other emotion. Because they are familiar with that emotion, they subconsciously fear letting it go. Sort of the devil you do know, versus the devil you don't. Fear of experiencing new emotions, or giving up familiar emotions is not healthy. As humans, we are supposed to experience a broad range of emotions. It is a natural chemical response in our brains. For some reason, some people feel guilty experiencing happiness or satisfaction, or they feel pressure to be depressed or angry. Remaining in any one in emotion for extended periods of time is not healthy; it will eventually lead to your demise.

Grief is an emotion that we all should experience at appropriate times. When a loved one dies prematurely, we feel a loss for that person and ourselves. It's normal. It's expected. But long, continued periods of grieving are not good for anyone. You've probably heard of someone who "can't let go" after a person dies. The same thing can happen after a catastrophic injury or illness. If someone is disabled, sometimes that person (or the people around that person) can't let go of that initial, normal, sadness that occurs because of the loss (of ability).

Note two paragraphs above where I mention experiencing pressure to feel a certain way. Sometimes people feel sad because other people around them expect them to feel sad. Don't let anyone control your emotions but you. Just because others can't imagine being happy living LIFE inconvenienced by a wheelchair,, that does not mean that you can't be supremely happy. It's up to you to adopt the attitude and perspective that allows you to see all the great things in LIFE that you can enjoy from a wheelchair (or outside a wheelchair). Comparing lives is a terrible and destructive habit. Don't do it.

Hanging on to grief or sadness is self-destructive, self-defeating, and will eventually lead to both emotional and physical problems. But just as importantly, it cheats people out happiness, and a fulfilling, productive LIFE. The choice is really yours. If you have a “bad attitude” you have no one to blame but yourself.

I had a friend who was paraplegic. He once said, "If anyone in a wheelchair tells you they're happy, they are lying." He eventually drank himself to death. He did not know how to take control of his attitude, and choose to be happy. I regret that I did not know how to teach him. So now I can share with you the blessing I have been given: The ability to recognize the importance of a positive attitude (it makes all the difference in the world), and the way to take control of your attitude.

Rather than comparing ourselves to others we should compare ourselves to our potential. Even people with 100% mobility don’t have wings, and cannot fly. But they don’t mope around comparing themselves to birds. People in wheelchairs can’t walk. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to people who can. Sure, life might be easier if we could walk (or fly). But we can’t, so we deal with it. The only gauge of how we’re doing is: are we living up to our potential? Are we using our talents? Are we playing the hand we’re dealt, the best we can?  (I'm a big poker fan, by the way)

That is not to say we should have low expectations of ourselves. We simply shouldn’t expect, or waste time longing for, the unrealistic (to be a tap-dancer or a mountain climber, for instance). We have to expect more out of ourselves than others expect. A common trap exists for people inconvenienced by a wheelchair. Other people expect less from us. They think we can’t do much, that our lives must be awful (because it’s the worst thing they can imagine), or that we’re not as smart (you’ll occasionally notice someone talking about you as if you can’t answer for yourself...“What will he/she have for dinner?” “Where would she like to sit?”).

The trap comes when you start to believe them – when you lower your own expectations for yourself and believe that you can’t do just about whatever you want. Don’t buy into that. You have to expect more from yourself. Like one of more than 500 million people, you’ve got a disability. So what? So you have to work harder. Life in a wheelchair means you have to plan more, spend more, maneuver more, and think more. It’s not easier – it is undeniably harder. But it’s not as hard as withdrawing from the world and not leading an active, normal life. It's not as hard as living a life of depression. Other people may not expect as much out of you. But you have to expect more from yourself. Don’t let the fact that you’re inconvenienced by a wheelchair serve as an excuse. Figure out what’s got to be done and DO it.

It can actually be an advantage when people expect less from you. When you exhibit even a little bit of competence they are surprised and think you are EXCEPTIONAL. Then, when you excel they think you are amazing! Just watch ... people will tell you that you are an “inspiration” just because you are out and about, without the HVM (Handicapped Victim Mentality). I love it when people assume that because I’m a quad I’ll be easy to out 'maneuver' in court or pre-trial proceedings (I’m a lawyer). Then, when I out-work them or out-think them (and kick their butts) they wish they wouldn’t have underestimated me.

To get past the fairly common stereotyping of being perceived as ‘disabled’ you cannot “act handicapped.” That means, first of all, you don’t let anyone feel sorry for you. If you let someone feel sorry for you, the worst part is – they will feel sorry for you. That diminishes you in their eyes ... and in your own eyes. It is a vicious cycle. A downward-spiral of lowered expectations and self-fulfilling prophecy that reduces you to the least of what you can be, not the best. Sure, people inconvenienced by a wheelchair might need help from others. That’s a fact of life. But you can’t let anyone feel sorry for you. If you do you become “pitiful.”

The first step to not letting anyone feel sorry for you is not feeling sorry for yourself. If you wallow in self-pity you make excuses (consciously and subconsciously) for your mistakes and failures. Then you don’t get the normal benefit that comes from mistakes and failures. You don’t learn and improve. When you blame like that you’re destined to a life of failure and misery. It is truly a “catch-22" downward spiral. Dale Turner said, “Some of the best lessons we ever learn are learned from past mistakes. The error of the past is the wisdom and success of the future.” Take this to heart. Expect more of yourself, and don’t ever let your ‘chair’ become an excuse. Richard Needham observed, “Strong people make as many and as ghastly mistakes as weak people. The difference is that strong people admit them, laugh at them, learn form them. This is how they become strong.”

The next step to not letting people feel sorry for you is to not LOOK pitiful. If you adopt the look of a “handicapped” person, of course people will think of you as handicapped. It saddens me when people give up. I see so many wheelchair folks that just don't care. They don’t think they have to look like normal people. They regularly go out in public in sweatsuits or with their hair all messed up, etc. They really do look pitiful. I once saw a guy at a college basketball game wearing grey sweats with a night-bag, half full of urine, hanging exposed on his wheelchair! Something told me that guy wanted people to feel sorry for him. It may be an excuse. Some wear their disability as a badge, for attention. But the natural consequence of looking pitiful is diminished worth in the eyes of others (and eventually in your own). Don’t fall into that trap. Work extra hard at dressing appropriately and looking as “normal” as possible. Sure, we’re sitting in wheelchairs, but we don’t have to look pitiful, or like derelicts.

It is a compliment when people hand me something and expect me to grab it even though my spinal cord was injured at C 4-5 and my hands don’t work. I don’t want my limited mobility to be constantly in other people’s faces. It is a lot easier for people to get past your wheelchair if you don’t “look” so disabled, and if you don't act disabled. They can more readily deal with you as person and a peer if you don’t look so pitiful (or tied to the chair).

One of the best compliments came when a woman at a Halloween party told my friend that I was an “ass” (actually, that’s only part of what she called me). There I was, sitting in my chair, having a good time, wearing a pair of rubber cattle horns on my head and a “Sitting Bull” sign I’d made on the computer around my neck. The woman approached me and said that the MS in her sister's legs was flaring up. She asked if she could borrow my wheelchair for her tired sister. She obviously thought my wheelchair was just part of my costume. When I said I “couldn’t” loan her sister my chair, the woman stormed off in a huff and told my buddy what an insensitive ass I was. I actually loved it! When my buddy told her that I’m paralyzed she looked shocked, and sheepishly left the party.

The next thing to know about not letting people feel sorry for you is to put them at ease about your disability. For some reason people generally don’t like to even mention disabilities or acknowledge that you’re in a chair. It is probably because they are afraid of offending you. When a person is inconvenienced by a wheelchair, their disability is an obvious “elephant in the room.” It is your job to make people more comfortable. You know you have a disability. They know you have a disability. You should let them know it doesn’t bother you (that is, you don’t feel sorry for yourself), and it’s not taboo to talk about it or acknowledge it. I find the best way to do this is through a little humor. When you’re meeting someone new, look for an opportunity to make fun of your own disability. It is very disarming. I have several little quips that I use over and over again. My friends are tired of them, but they work amazingly well. Try it. You’ll find people more at ease around you. And they will see you as a real person ... not someone to feel sorry for.

A positive attitude will serve your own purposes. Not only will you feel better – more vibrant, more healthy, and more alive – but you will surprise and "amaze" others. So many people in wheelchairs don't have a positive attitude that most people expect us to be bummed-out or depressed. When you're not – when you see the positives and relish in all the great things you can do – people will be drawn to you. You will impress them. Your positive attitude will open many doors. And it will improve every aspect of your life. Try it. You'll see.